Dan and Trevor were on safari in Africa with Howie Mandela. Howie Mandela was their friend and traveling companion. Dan and Trevor made fun of him because his head looked like a buffalo (not a buffalo’s head, a buffalo). They had to comb him at least twice a day or his hair would get matted and he would wail for hours.

Africa was a growing economic power at the time. With the invention of rhinos, everyone wanted to move there. Along the way on the safari (which at the time involved spraypainting profanities on animals after tying them to trees. People did this because Fleshy the Electrified Horch considered it art), we met Jumbo Harris, who was a law keeper. In fact he kept the law in his pants, but unfortunately his Uncle Whistler took his pants and hid them in the middle of a scary enchanted forest. Jumbo needed Dan and Trevor’s help to get his pants back. They decided to help him because he promised us macaroni and paganism (a type of sauce). Dan and Trevor asked “can we bathe in its glory”, which of course meant “to consume”. Their favorite was to bathe in the glory of Louisiana paganism (or maybe Worcestershire). He said he had some, so they agreed to do it.

When Dan and Trevor got to the forest they saw a plethora of bunions (bunches of onion buns) on the trees. Howie Mandela was stupid and he ate them…or maybe they ate him, I guess we’ll never know. Then they saw a clearing in the forest with a water fountain which was sort of a statue of Harrison Ford with water coming out of his mouth. Later the actor by that name was made as a likeness of that fountain.

Here they found the enchantress of the forest, Grotto the 895th Melissa. She told them where to find the pants. They were in a yellow submarine at the end of the yellow brick road, which was where Uncle Whistler lived. Nobody in those days went to Uncle Whistler’s house without straw or their first-born child. Since neither Dan nor Trevor had a child, they asked Grotto for straw. So she threw them over the fence of a farm and said, “there you go.” Luckily it was Uncle Whistler’s farm and they stole his straw to give to him. Dan and Trevor demanded to be let in because they had straw, but Uncle Whistler yelled at and disciplined them for stealing his straw. He told them that if they ever became queen, they must give him their first-born child.

It was while he was disciplining them that they saw the pants. Uncle Whistler had thrown Dan and Trevor into the crawl space and the pants were there. They grabbed the pants and left. The reason Uncle Whistler let them leave was they guessed his name. Thus they got the pants.On the way back Dan and Trevor decided to find out what the law was. The law in Africa was bands could not have more than two boys; thus no boy bands. In those days boy bands were outlawed, because it was a form of aggressive rebellion (putting a group of men together). Also pop music was the angriest music they had at the time. Uncle Whistler took the law so he could start his boy band Rumple’s Stilt Skin (his real first name is Rumple).

Because the law was revealed it began a war between boy bands and those against boy bands. During this war both pop music and Africa’s growing economy were destroyed. Lauren was devastated as well since she was queen of Africa (especially after Uncle Whistler took her first born child). She never could guess his name.

Dan and Trevor on the other hand left for Arkansas (which in those days was a haven for paganism). They bathed in the glory of polyester and swine. By the way it’s not the American Arkansas; they didn’t have both polyester and swine. Later Uncle Whistler was the first man to walk on the moon. Of course it landed in his backyard so what would you expect? When it left it took him with it, that’s why people think there’s a man in the moon. There is. It’s Uncle Whistler

Next Time -> The Decaying Grip of Martian Luther King

'Twas the late 1990's...

'Twas the late 1990's and Dan and Trevor first played Mario RPG and came to a shocking revelation. Someone had based a game off of their adventures. But who would've known an accurate portrayal of world history?

You see it all started in 925 A.D. or so. The local Bowser (you see, in those days, bowser was a title, kinda like a count or lord. Basically the person over you. It was traditional for Bowsers to wear green unitards.) by the name of Jermaine Goodhost. He ran a daycare program, which meant taking peasants and sticking them in prison. You see, rich people liked the country with less poor people walking around. One such person arrested was Toadstool the 44G Melissa.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Italy was a place called Lauren's Mushrooom Kingsom which was both a town and an amusement park. It had the world's first roller coaster, which was actually a form of torture. They'd make you ride all day long in strange positions. Amusement to the rich (925 was a really bad year for peasants). Lauren, who was the ruler, wore a red and white polka-dot bulb hat: as did all the rich people (except their's were bumbled). They did this because peasants didn't like to be treated poorly and their method of revolt was to drop anything heavy from above.. Lauren, at the time, was sad because she missed her favourite stool, Toad "stool" the 44G Melissa. Lauren liked to use peasants as furniture. Toadstool had ran away to Switzerland where she had been caught by Bowser Goodhost. Dan and Trevor were almost legendary at the time because they had killed Dracula (who was just some old guy who sat in a recliner, drinking red wine and smoking oysters. Oh yes, he was also gay, and that's why people were scared of him. Dan and Trevor never actually killed him, they were just invited to his house for oysters and he died of natural causes.) That's why Lauren called for them to go and rescue Toadstool and bring her back. At the conclusion of this adventure, they would get "cool" hats, just like hers.

So their Mario began. Mario, of course, was what people called "missions." They were going on a Mario. What they didn't realize was Bowser Goodhunt needed to have his smelters cleaned. Peasants kept trying to escape through them and left fungus and flowers. Bowser called in Smithy the Eager Harris to clean the mess. Because of this, the captured peasants were sent off to Mt. Everest (or Booster's Tower as it was called in those days) so they would have time to clean up. When Dan and Trevor got there, they saw Bowser Goodhunt leaving so they axed the bridge. Thus Bowser fell into an infinite abyss. This is why to cause destruction is called "to axe the bridge".

In the meantime, they found Smithy cleaning the smelters. He pointed them in the right direction but he was very rude about it so Dan and Trevor swore revenge. As they went on their Mario, they encountered many a peasant who challenged them to a duel. They would do this by shaking people's hands, which was a disgrace (it meant that they thought you were gay). So Dand and Trevor fought the peasants. Luckily for them, peasants are stupid. The way they fight was turn-based. The famous pair cheated by telling them "it's our turn again, you had a a turn five turns ago". The best move was the "YVR Flash" which involved hitting them in the crotch with a ten-foot pole.

Meanwhile at Booster's Tower, Herman "The Booster" Archer fell in love with Toadstool so he took her to the top and proposed to her. In those days, you proposed to a girl by punching her in the face unexpectedly. Toadstool cried not only because he looked like a totem pole, but also because he had caused her to bleed. [boxers in those days felt quite rejected by the way] She refused his proposal because she liked his best friend, the SNIFIT! Dan and Trevor climbed the tower with the help of a sherpa, Cryler Mallow. He was a puffy fellow with a body shaped like a cloud. For the next two weeks he complained and cried about the high price of sherpas. Clearly he had been raised wrong by his French grandfather's frog or something. When they got to the top, they got in to a fight with some clowns. The only victim was Cryler because he only had 3 HP. After he died, the clowns celebrated with Dan and Trevor and some clamato juice. It was at that point that they saw Toadstool and the SNIFIT making cookies while punching each other in the face.

Meanwhile in Switzerland, Smithy had mysteriously patented the smelter and was selling many smelter related items such as the hand-held smelter, stuffed smelters, and smelters-on-a-stick. The popularity of the items caused him to be very rich, so much so that he gained a commercial empire, the first of its kind. He owned much of Europe but he wanted more so he sent some henchman (which is what they called salesmen) out to the ends of the earth.

Dan and Trevor were still at the party when Yaridovich the Pointy Horch showed up with smelter products. His method of selling things was to throw pointy things at you with messages on the end of them. Often people were impaled and stuck to the ground by these messages. They found him to be not pushy enough, but also violent, so they beat him up, took his merchandise, and marched off to the head office to complain. They brought along Toadstool and the SNIFIT! because they found Dan and Trevor to be agreeable. Booster was perplexed, so he followed from a safe distance.

On the way, they all stopped at Nimbus Land (also known as Ethopia). It was all cloudy there because everything was on fire. Here Dan and Trevor roasted the Family Tree of Mallow over an open fire because they lost a bet to the SNIFIT!. Booster was eating the remains of a dead bird when he was found by Valentina Viviano, the queen of Nimbus Land. That was the last that the group saw of him. As for the group, they bought happy pants and continued on their way.

Finally they reached the Smithy's Smelter Factory (formerly Bowser Goodhost's castle, now owned by Bowser Smithy) where they were to file a complaint and get revenge. They were ushered into Smithy's office and proceeded to talk to him rudely. Then he shook Dan and Trevor's hands. The fight didn't last long because on his turn he witnessed the SNIFIT! giving Toadstool a hicky (a crown). He was opposed to this because it meant she was no longer a peasant. He gasped and choked on his own beard and fell down a flight of stairs into the infinite abyss.

Lauren was angry with Dan and Trevor because they failed (the SNIFIT! and Toadstool got married). However it was a happy wedding and it began a war in which the peasants overthrew Lauren. Thus the long era of peasant misfortune (924-926 AD) came to an end. Dan and Trevor proceeded to steal the "Cool" hats.

Next Week! -> How Zelda caused the apocalypse